Sunday, May 31, 2009

Neuroses and Nymphets

Well, it’s almost summertime, and summertime means I do lots of reading. Especially at the beach. That’s my favorite. No beach yet, but I do have a whole stack o’ books from Amazon to read, and one of them is Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov. Intending to read that made me think about last summer when I read Lolita, Mr. Nabokov’s most famous novel.


I think Vlad was quite ahead of his time when he used the term “nymphet” and chronicled Humbert Humbert’s obsession with a tweenage girl. Bear with me as this train of thought leaves the station. Lolita was written in 1955. The first supermodel, Twiggy (sorry Janice Dickinson, but you know I’m right.), rose to fame in 1966. She changed the shape of modeling with her thin, androgynous look, which has been prominent in high fashion ever since. Models have long been considered the ideals of beauty in our society—though many today would argue that statement. Could Nabokov have predicted that, fifty years after the publication of his novel, the world would be populated by Humbert Humberts? Popular culture and the media are currently obsessed with androgynous stick people; these people are nymphets.


Kind of sickening, right? Lolita is scandalous specifically because it is so bizarre that a man could be obsessed with an age and a shape that has not yet become truly female. You see, a “nymphet” (according to Nabokov) describes not only a girl between 9 and 14 years of age, but also one whose figure is decidedly undeveloped.


Have you seen some of those models? Often they enter the industry in their early teens, around 12 or 14 years of age. After their adolescence, models (and celebrities) are under constant pressure to maintain the same body type they had when they were pre-pubescent.


Now, Twiggy was naturally thin. Some people are. There is nothing wrong with that. Also, as an artistic individual, I understand that clothes hang better on people who are shaped like rectangles. They stay nice and smooth. I understand why fashion designers might prefer slender models. There is something wrong, however, when society pressures all women to adhere to a body type that is not their own natural shape. Most women are shaped like, well, women. There are most likely curves involved.


Now, ask most people off the street, and they will tell you that they like curvy women (and I’m talking about women AND men). Soooo…why is nothing being done about it? Why are celebrity gossip magazines constantly criticizing celebrities in bikinis (a la Jennifer Love Hewitt)? Why does America’s Next Top Model constantly flip-flop between thinking plus-sized models are acceptable or the bane of the industry?


Sometimes my dad is forced to watch ANTM against his will. Whenever this happens, he always says, “The only people who are trying to force women to be stick-people are other women and gay men—who don’t even like women!” (He says this because he is a good daddy who makes his daughters feel secure about themselves, though he is entirely un-PC.) I think he has a point.


Let’s spread the love. Let’s value actresses (excuse me, “female actors”) for their acting ability and let them take their vacations in peace. Let’s like ourselves and our shapes, whatever they may be. It’s not going to happen unless the common people stop paying attention to US Weekly and stop using the word “skinny” a compliment*.


And when we do that, maybe we can conquer the evil that is bikini waxing.



*Positive adjectives for your convenience: slender, svelte, lean, lithe, willowy, and trim.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It's a Double Feature!

I think a lot about movies. I come from a family of movie-watchers. One of our favorite games is to match actors to their roles in other movies. As we get older, the game grows more obscure. While watching a movie, we might shout out, "I know where I've seen that bellhop before! He's Extra #3 from The Magnificent Seven! You know, that Mexican who hands Yul Brynner his pistol right before being shot by Tuco from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

Anyways, I think I've got pretty good taste in movies, so I've chosen to do a Double Feature! review of the two movies I've seen in theaters lately: Sunshine Cleaning and Star Trek.

Sunshine Cleaning (4 of 4 stars)*

This excellent and poignant film follows the lives of two quirky sisters. Amy Adams plays a single mother struggling to provide for her son working as a domestic maid while trying to maintain her affair with her married high school sweetheart AND aspiring to get a real estate license. Emily Blunt is her apathetic younger sister who has yet to truly come to terms with her mother's suicide and find her place in the world. Both actresses' performances hit it out of the park. Adams is her usual charming, slightly disheveled self. You kind of want to give her a hug and a day planner. Her acting goes much deeper than that, however, as you forget that she is that chick from Enchanted and start worrying about her troubles along with her and celebrating her triumphs. Blunt is snarky and funny, and her performance takes her character in a dark, psychologically profound direction.

The two sisters, on a tip that they can make a lot of cash, decide to go into business cleaning up crime scenes. The movie realistically follows the sister's mishaps as they enter the business with no prior knowledge, and it is funny, tragic, sympathetic, and real the entire way through. It is beautifully paced, with just the right amount of catharsis. The leading actors' performances are all stand-out, and they include Alan Arkin as the sisters' kooky salesman father and Jason Spevack as Adams's son. Spevack's performance is nuanced and in no way relates to Hollywood's typical smart-aleck, "cute" children from movies like Sleepless in Seattle. (Sigh of relief.) Another great character is Clifton Collins's portrayal of the one-armed, model airplane-building, industrial cleaning supplier who inadvertantly gets ensnarled in the family drama.

As someone who has a sister myself, I really enjoyed this movie, which at its heart is about the relationship of love and annoyance that exists between siblings. At its emotional high points, the movie is laugh-out-loud funny, twisted, and bizzare; during its lows, it is tragic and complicated. If you have a family of any kind, you will relate to and--hopefully--love this film.

Star Trek (3 of 4 stars)

Just to explain, I don't do half stars, and I don't give 4 stars to a film unless it is absolutely oustanding, so you Trekkies out there needn't be offended. I liked this movie a lot.

Now, I am not a Trek fan. The only reason I watch Star Trek is to see William Shatner, who in my opinion, is a Golden God. I was hesitant to see this film at first, fearing its tone would be too serious and out of keeping with its predecessor. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed the character development early in the film, and the casting was excellent. The most intriguing character was Mr. Spock, played by Zachary Quinto. I don't know much about Spock's history, but I felt the film gave him complexity when he could have easily been a one-dimensional person...er, Vulcan. James Kirk, as played by Chris Pine, is enthusiastic and full of energy, though he doesn't hold a candle to THE Captain Kirk, thankyouverymuch.

Zoe Saldana's Uhura was fiesty and a strong female who stood out in the boys' club that is The Enterprise. Karl Urban (whom I love!) is spot on as Bones, and Simon Pegg (that guy from Hot Fuzz) plays Scottie, who--though appearing late in the film--is thoroughly enjoyable. I wish Mr. Sulu (played by John Cho) had gotten more screen time, and I'll confess, the inner geek in me squealed in pure delight when he whipped out his fold-up katana. Anton Yelchin is really cute as the 17-year-old Chekov, who I didn't even realize was a character, but that tells you how much I know.

My main complaint about the film is the villain. Eric Bana is not recognizable as himself, and I think the extensive make-up somehow covered up his acting, too. (What would have been wrong with letting the bad guy have an Australian accent?) He mainly lurks in his pointy ship until someone from Star Fleet arrives, and then he stomps around, yelling. His motive for being a bad guy is too rudimentary to harmonize with the rest of the plot. As my dad always says, "You can judge a movie by its bad guy." I'm inclined to agree.

My other complaints are more self-indulgent. What is up with that green alien chick that Kirk was sleeping with toward the beginning? Couldn't they think of something better than making her just green? Is THAT what teenage nerds fantasize about? (I daren't think too much about THAT.) Also, *SPOILER* why couldn't Spock and Uhura get it on? Now THAT would have been interesting.


*Star graphics coming soon. I promise.

P.S. While taking a shower, I realized I had inadvertently mistaken "Dr. Spock" for "Mr. Spock." Lest I be informed of this by my wretchedly smug friends, I have chosen to preemptively correct the issue. Allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to Leonard Nimoy, Zachary Quinto, and any individual whose parents thought that Dr. Spock's Book O' Babies was a legitimate parenting strategy. You are likely insane and under enough stress as it is.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Best of the Worst...Internet Quizzes

This is hopefully the first of an on-going series of lists about the "Best of the Worst" of things I think about. Since it's summer, I've had more free time than usual, and more free time means more useless quizzes on the internet. The following are quizzes that, while completely asinine, are nevertheless fun to take (and mock) on a lazy summer afternoon:

Best of the Worst...Internet Quizzes

1. Personality Disorder Test

Okay, I'm sure you all have heard of this one. Why pay a legitimate psychiatrist to diagnose your psychological disabilities when the internet can tell you for FREE! Gosh-darned if I know!

My result: Moderately Obsessive-Compulsive. I DO like to fold Reese's wrappers and straw wrappers in neat little squares.

2. Country Quiz

How well do you know geography? This is a "best" because it quizzes legitimate, useful knowledge about our globe. This is a "worst" because it's pretty boring.

My result: 6 of 10. I don't remember South America very well.

3. How well do you understand men?

Ladeez, I know you've been dying to know about this one. See how well you understand the mystifying language of men.

This quiz is brought to the internet populous by iVillage. As my sister says, this is a site for bored pregnant women. 'Nough said.

My result: Native speaker. Okay this was oddly satisfying, since I got the highest possible result. The only drawback was that I was completely guessing on all of them, so it MIGHT have been a fluke.

4. Which internet meme are you?

The only reason this made the list is because of my entirely upsetting result.

My result: I am a Chuck Norris joke. Sigh.

5. Am I pregnant quiz?

This is a link to one of MANY similar quizzes on the internet. If you’re relying on an internet quiz to tell you whether you’re pregnant, you’re either completely addicted or completely helpless.

My result: I hope you don't have to ask, though you probably will anyway.

6. Which kind of cookie are you?

I love cookies, but this result is just sad.

My result: I'm a jam cookie. I don't even know what a jam cookie IS.

7. Are you addicted to the internet?

If you’re reading this blog, the answer is YES.

But seriously, I feel it is always an interesting moment when a subject starts to become self-introspective like this. For example, I study Anthropology, and there are some anthropologists who study the anthropology of anthropology. I always feel like when this happens, the subject is one step closer to becoming self-aware. Kind of like Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Maybe the internet is going to crawl out of our computers one day and destroy the universe, or maybe I watch too much sci-fi.

My favorite question from this is "Do you block out disturbing thoughts from your own life with soothing thoughts of the internet?" OMG! ALL the time! How does it know?

My result: I am not addicted to the internet! Hooray! Now I can write a blog about it! Oh, wait…



Thank you for watching! Tune in next (insert temporal unit) for the next installment of...

The Best and the Worst


Friday, May 22, 2009

Our Crazy, Lazy Language

For those of you who don't know, I am currently teaching myself some Latin in preparation for summer school. When learning a new language, I find myself thinking about my own language. Having to memorize the oddities and exceptions of a beautiful, awkward language like Latin really makes me sympathize with people trying to learn English for the first time.

The mandatory fluency in English for immigrants to the U.S. is a topical issue in current society. I'm generally of the "all or nothing" mindset. Either we have signs in only English, or we post them in all relevant languages. Think that's unfeasible? Just go to Italy or any other European country where every sign is in four or five languages. It can be done. While I believe that people who come to live in a country should learn its language, I do think we natives could be a little more compassionate for those trying to learn. It's not an easy thing to do.


And besides, English is weird. Full of weird words. Weirds. Werds. Wirds. Wyrds. Anyway...

Some of you may remember an episode of the T.V show The Soup that spoofed reviews for the 2007 movie How She Move. The tagline was "How She Move revolutionize grammar." And really, it makes sense. Think about it.

I move, you move, he/she/it
moves, we move, y'all move, they move

Notice any odd ones out? Why can't we regularize these outliers, instead of having to memorize infinite irregularities of our mother tongue?


Along that same line of thought, why do we have a contraction for "aren't" but not one for "am't"? We're forced to ask, "I'm verbose, aren't I?" when the un-contracted form (are not I) doesn't grammatically make sense.


In high school I studied German. I've always loved German because you can create a legitimate new word by mashing together any number of words that describe the object. Invent a device that can vacuum, dust, mop, and sweep? Staubsaugerstaubtuchbauschauskehrerding. It's now a word. Pretty sweet, eh?


There are over 600,000 words in the
Oxford English Dictionary. According to the BBC article "The words in the mental cupboard," the average English speaker knows between 50,000 and 75,000. This strikes me as incredibly depressing. They say that the study of Latin expands a person's vocabulary by around 80,000 words. In the five months I've been studying Latin, it has given me great delight to announce the roots the words I'm learning anyone within earshot. (The reaction when I proclaim, "Ah, probity. From the Latin probitas, meaning honesty," is usually rolled eyes, but it makes me feel all smart and classical.)

What is the point of my musings? I wish to encourage all of the potential word-smiths out there. Let's get off our posteriors and get creative with our language. Wouldn't our world be a lovelier and more interesting place if our daily vocabularies were varied, rather than the inane drivel that mass-media forces upon us?


And that's
how she think.



Want to know how many words you know? Here is a link to the BBC article "The words in the mental cupboard."
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8013859.stm

You can view the aforementioned clip of The Soup here:

www.youtube.com/watch?y=oTmmzGaelX4

Thursday, May 21, 2009

AYO Technology, Part 2

SUCCESS! It was touch-and-go for a while, but I have succeeded in installing the thingy to the whatsit. End result = INTERWEBS!

So, I suppose I have already spoiled the cathartic ending by telling you the result, but allow me to recount the tenseness of the situation:

For whatever reason, I decided to install the adapter last night before going to bed, instead of waiting until this "morning" (Read: noon) when I woke up to do so. I popped the instructional CD into the drive, it "whrrrrred," and finally produced a menu.

Step 1: Choose the correct product number. Let me note, all of the numbers of the similar products made by this company--Encore Electronics--are EXACTLY the same, with the exception of ONE letter hidden in the middle that is different from all the rest. Beware the unobservant, for ye shall fail. Anyways, after staring blankly at the box for a while, I figured out that mine was the one with "L" in the middle and duly selected it. Check.

Step 2: Find the instructions. Of course, when I opened up the instruction manual, apprehensively hopeful, all it said was "Step 1: Install the adapter. Step 2: When the adapter is installed, the computer should automatically detect new hardware." Argh! So no information about how to actually install the adapter inside the computer. Not to be dissuaded, I moved along to Step 3.

Step 3: Pop 'er open and see what I can make happen. I am the kind of person who likes to get things done, so I decided to forge ahead without any supervision, much like a three-year-old heading for the highway. Squatting like Cro Magnon woman in my underwear at 2 in the morning, I seized my tiny screwdriver and let my computer have it. Step 3 1/2: Remember which translucent board covered in 80,000 miniscule prongs and knobs is the motherboard. This one ALMOST threw me, except at the last minute I remembered my motherboard is green and my similar-looking video card is red. Were I colorblind, this would have been a toughie, but I prevailed.

Step 4: Plug the adapter into the motherboard slot without breaking off any of the 80,000 prongs that connect it. This took a few tries. I am extremely nervous attaching things to delicate machinery. I always expect to hear some "crunch!" or "snap!" and then have a heavenly voice shower down around me, informing me that I now have to pay $150 for whatever part I just broke.

Step 5: Close up the case and turn on the computer. In my case, I have to add "and furtively wait lest the computer emit some horrible electronic death scream." (Think R2-D2.) But it did NOT die in agony! And, like the manual promised, the computer did the rest and installed the appropriate drivers. ("Drivers" makes me think of little men driving e-cars around some unseen track in my computer to make things work.)

Lo! The internet! It connected! My wireless adapter is now installed. For a piece of electronics, it's pretty cute. It has three antennae, though, which makes me feel it was probably a freak in the adopt-an-adapter bin before I gave it a home. But it is now my little freak, and it is bringing YOU this post.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

AYO Technology, Part 1

This will not be a post about that 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake song that came out in 2007, though I do have a few thoughts about that first:

Okay, why is it that I can be totally addicted to a song which a) features scantily-clad, fawning women who go against everything good and feministy in which I believe (yes, I am a feminist, but that is another post for another time), b) glorifies technologically-advanced, eerie-ass peeping toms, and c) isn't even good? I just don't understand myself sometimes.

But back to the real point...

In the mail today I received a "wireless adapter" for my "desktop PC." (Read: thing that makes the interwebs go for my Big Computer.) Now my task is to "download the instructions from the CD-ROM" in order to "install the adapter to the motherboard." (Read: plug it in so the interwebs will go.)

Now, this is my first-ever project involving the innards of a computer. I am a technology nOOb whose boyfriend's brother was kind enough to build her an awesome machine made of glowy green things that come from the magical land of "New Egg." I am afraid.

It is time that the electronics industry started making products oriented toward us "literati," who are infinitely more comfortable with words than part numbers. While having my Big Computer built, I was responsible for ordering all of the necessary parts (a dangerous task for me, I know.) One of the things I bought was a video card named:


ASUSEAH4850 TOP/HTDI/512M Radeon HD 4850 512MB 256-bit GDDR3 PCI Express 2.0 x16 HDCP Ready CrossFire

I mean, how practical is it to type THAT into Google? (And don't you technogeeks even START to get snarky with some "cut and paste" nonsense.)


And since I've already mentioned it, let's examine the word "motherboard." That does not even begin to make sense. What do "mothers" and "boards" even have in common? I can't imagine anything less nurturing than a board, and a mother made of wood would just give splintery hugs. Let's re-write these words so that they make some sense, please. There's a reason hopeless people like me invented the term "technobabble."

Speaking of babbling, I suppose I should cease my stall tactics and try to hook this thing up. With any luck, my next post will be from the Big Computer (the current post being brought to you by Lappy).

Feel free to wish me luck! Just don't do it in binary.

Introductory Remarks

This is a blog of things I think about. I think about a lot of things.

Some of the things I think about are:

books, westerns, Latin, Dwight Schrute, why hardware stores smell good, Italian food, painting, Diet Coke, feminism, what it means to be human, Moroccan coffee, funny words (like "spoonerism"), and how the hell I'm going to get into grad school

Some of the things I do NOT think about are:

P. Diddy and his infinite appellations, tea cup poodles, the Midwest, model airplanes, Diet Pepsi, cell phones, Twizzlers, sports, the Jonas Brothers, MTV, or whether grad school will really help my career

But I guess by not thinking about those things, I, in fact, just have. Huh.

The brain is a funny thing.